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Why Did The Founding Fathers Forget The Cheese?

by Lucas Eaves, published

In the aftermath of the Aurora shooting, a lot was said on the social networks and I came across this picture. From my uneducated European point-of-view, there is a small disproportion between the treatment of cheese and weapons here in the US, but I thought that there must be a very good reason behind that ban since America is the land of freedom and they wouldn’t prohibit something for no good reason. So, I made my small investigation.

The problem with a lot of French cheeses (and Italian, Mexican...) is that they are made of raw milk. The FDA is very clear about the danger of such practices: “Raw milk can harbor dangerous microorganisms that can pose serious health risks to you and your family.”

This danger has been confirmed by hard evidence. Since 1998, more than 800 people have reported being sick for eating raw milk or raw milk cheeses. This means that one person in the US got sick every 6 days. As a consequence for this incredible hazard to public safety, every precaution has been taken. Interstate commerce of raw milk products has been prohibited by the FDA. twenty states have prohibited intrastate commerce. This seems to be an appropriate response for a true hazard.

Then, I looked into the weapons regulation. Over the last forty years, an average of 10,000 people per year have been killed by a handgun in the US. This means, twenty-seven people are killed by a handgun every day in the country. This seems to be a big number. So what are the regulations to combat a trend that is this shocking? To my surprise, there are some regulations, but no prohibition of either interstate or intrastate commerce.

I have to admit, at that point of my investigation I was a bit puzzled, but then I was reminded of a two centuries old piece of paper on which someone scribbled something saying, “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed”.  Then, I saw the light. This made perfect sense. The irreproachable, all-knowing Founding Fathers wrote this sentence. Thus, as god dictated with the Ten Commandments, we shall follow it no matter what. Why did the Founding Fathers forget the Cheeses? A blameless source by the name of Wikipedia, informed me that most of the Founding Fathers were lactose intolerant and therefore did not think about giving their godlike protection to this delicacy.

As a result of this amazing investigation, I had a few thoughts. I do not agree with the stupid European idea that banning weapons is the solution. No, what needs to be done is to give equal protection to cheeses. I propose that we all adopt the National Cheese Association (NCA)’s idea that we need to amend the US Constitution and create a subsection in the 2nd amendment that will say: “As well pored glass of wine being necessary to the accomplishment of a good meal, the right of the people to accompany it with cheese shall not be infringed”.



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