The Wall Street Journal has the revised Republican National Convention schedule up on its website. Before reading further, click that link and do a quick thirty second scroll down the page to get a feel for who all is speaking at the convention this week.
Alright, did you do it? Did you skim it? Okay... read on:
THIS is what I love about party conventions. What an awkward group of speakers! What makes it more awkward is how hard they will all be trying to convince you that this isn't awkward.
The unintentional humor value of big tent party conventions like this cannot be overstated. I just love watching a big group of people who were at each other's throats not very many weeks ago saying nice things about each other that they don't really mean.
It's like watching every reality TV dating show there is in reverse-- they start out saying nice things about each other that they don't really mean, and then end up at each other's throats.
The only thing that could make this convention more awkward...
...is if Ron Paul were in the lineup too.
Wait-- scratch that. What would make this even more awkward than Ron Paul in the lineup... would be George W. Bush in the lineup. That would make this so horrifyingly awkward to watch, I think it would be less horrifying for the hurricane to blow right into the convention center and knock off Mitt Romney's hair, revealing that it is in fact a toupée.
Think Meet the Parents was awkward? Yawn. Or that movie where Sarah Jessica Parker visits her boyfriend's family for Christmas and gets all homophobic at the dinner table right in front of her boyfriend's gay brother? Kid stuff.
This convention is already more awkward than watching both of those movies with your grandparents and trying not to make eye contact while Ben Stiller pantomimes milking a cat.
Now add George Dubya Bush to this lineup, the one man who you wouldn't even know was president four years ago by listening to any of the Republican Primary debates, and this would reach awkwardness levels of such massive proportions, the RNC would get slapped with a massive EPA fine for physically manifesting enough awkwardness to blast a hole in the ozone layer.
Ladies and Gentleman, I have discovered the source of power behind the two-party establishments.
They just make for damn good television.
And now your moment of Zen: