You're Viewing the Archives
Return to IVN's Frontpage

Fantasy Politics: Who is Your Cabinet Dream Team?

by Kymberly Bays, published

Thursday night marked the first wave of preseason football games. With the start of a new season comes a flurry of fantasy football pools between offices, families, friends and strangers.

And we figured, what about a spin? Fantasy politics.

If you could assembly your ideal executive branch, regardless of party or political realities, who would you elect to serve as President, Vice President, Secretary of State and Secretary of Defense? (If you'd like to fill out your entire 14 person Cabinet roster, go ahead)

We ask the IVN office and our Facebook community to assemble their Dream Teams. These picks are based on values, priorities, wishful thinking, and of course, a sense of humor. Here's what we came up with:

Girl Power Team:

President: Hillary Clinton

Vice President: Susanna Martinez

Sec. of State: Nancy Pelosi

Sec. of Defense: Ann E. Dunwoody

For The Lulz Team (GOP Version):

President: Donald Trump

Vice President: Michelle Bachmann

Secretary of Defense: Herman Cain

Secretary of State: Sarah Palin

For The Lulz Team (Dem Version):

President: Nancy Pelosi

Vice President: Anthony Weiner

Secretary of Defense: Joe Lieberman

Secretary of State: Gavin Newsom

Worst Ever Team:

President: Ann Coulter

Vice President: Ed Shultz

Secretary of Defense: Roseanne Barr

Secretary of State: Rush Limbaugh

Gates of Eden Team:

President: Bill Gates

Vice President: John Stewart

Secretary of Defense: Ron Paul

Secretary of State: Christopher Walken

“As we look ahead into the next century, leaders will be those who empower others.” – Bill Gates.

“I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.” – Jon Stewart.

“It’s time we just come home” – Ron Paul.

“Also for me it was different because I play a lot of villains and in this one I play a dad and I play a good guy, basically. He’s the Secretary of the Treasury. I never had a job like that.” – Christopher Walken.

Totalitarian Moderate Regime Team:

President: John Huntsman

Vice President: Matt Metzner

Secretary of Defense: The Minutemen (as a collective)

Secretary of State: Jackie Chan

The creator of this cabinet would also like to see Abby Huntsman involved in a leadership role, for example the Vice President's Chief of Staff or similar positions in close proximity to the Vice President.

All-American Team:

President: David Hasselhoff

VP: Chuck Norris

Secretary of Defense: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Secretary of State: Sarah Palin

“I’m six foot four, an all-American guy, and handsome and talented as well!” – David Hasselhoff.

"Here’s what I really think about the theory of evolution: It’s not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live." - Chuck Norris

“What is best in life: Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!” – Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“But obviously, we’ve got to stand with our North Korean allies.” – Sarah Palin.

Indomitable Indies Team:

President: Michael Bloomberg

Vice President: Angus King

Secretary of Defense: Jesse Ventura

Secretary of State: Melinda Gates

Independent Mike Bloomberg could realistically run a successful campaign for president given his fortune and extensive business contacts. Angus King is an admired former Governor of Maine. Melinda Gates…no one has anything bad to say about Melinda Gates. Jesse Ventura's imposing build and bald head make him an intimidating figure, thus adept at deterrence.

Celeb Team:

President: Nick Jonas

Vice President: Eva Longoria

Secretary of Defense: Chuck Norris

Secretary of State: Sean Penn

The Jonas brother has mentioned more than one time his desire to be President of the United States, and testified before Senate in 2009. Longoria appeals to the Hispanic and woman vote, hails from Texas and leans liberal. Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. Sean Penn is involved in several international aid efforts, most prominently in Haiti.

Lakers Unite Team:

President: Kobe Bryant

Vice President: Steve Nash

Secretary of Defense: Dwight Howard

Secretary of State: Pau Gasol

The Los Angeles Lakers remain Kobe Bryant's team, but newly acquired Dwight Howard adds unmatchable defense to the perennial title contender. Spanish-born Gasol speaks multiple languages, bringing international understanding and calm to the team. Steve Nash is a huge scoop, as a trusted and admired NBA veteran.

Hip Hop Team 1:

President: Jay Z

Vice President: Snoop

Secretary of Defense: Rick Ross

Secretary of State: Don Magic Juan

Others in contention per an IVN office debate: "Common? Anyone, anyone, anyone?"  "Wale? Wale runs DC." "I would like to see Dead Prez share the presidency." "Tupac and hologram; can't be killed" "You could make a whole presidential cabinet out of the Wu Tang Clan."

Wu Tang Team:

President: Ghostface Killah

Vice President: RZA

Secretary of Defense: Raekwon

Secretary of State: Method Man & Red Man (package deal)

RZA acts as the real power broker a la Dick Cheney. Method Man and Red Man are a tag team, twice the frequent flier miles and will break the State record for countries visited.

Who is on your team?

About the Author