Trumping the State of the Union

Author: TJ OHara
Created: 30 January, 2019
Updated: 14 August, 2022
5 min read

SAN DIEGO, CALIF. - Political pettiness has been temporarily suspended and the State of the Union will be given on February 5, 2019. From its original purpose under Article II, Section 3 of the United States Constitution, which was to “give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union, and recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he (the President) shall judge necessary and expedient,” it has degenerated into an exercise of political self-indulgence and simply bad TV.

What would happen if its show biz aspect was put aside for a straight-forward overview of where we are as a Nation? The following is a very tongue-in-cheek version of how that SOTU address might sound.

“My damn Speaker… Sorry! I meant Madame Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, the First Lady of the United States, and my fellow Americans: This is my third… and some of you hope last... State of the Union address.

“Normally, I’d tell you how great I am… so incredibly great… and how much we are winning. It’s been unbelievable!  And believe me when I tell you we’d be winning even more… a lot, lot more… if it wasn’t for the deep state and Democrat obstructionists! But my staff tells me that the State of the Union’s ratings are down, so I’m going to change things up to try to rebuild the audience. After all, Barack praised himself and blamed the Republicans for eight straight years, and even his SOTU ratings tanked. So, I’ve got to do something different.

"From its original purpose under Article II, Section 3 of the United States Constitution...(the State of the Union) has degenerated into an exercise of political self-indulgence and simply bad TV." - opTJ O'Hara, IVN Principal Political Analyst

“First, I’m not using any human props this time to draw sympathy for my cause. I didn’t invite any guests with sad stories that I could exploit. That trick seems to have run its course.

“I’m also not going to try to deliver applause lines because I know that Nancy is going to be sitting on her hands and making faces rather than jumping up and clapping like a trained seal like she did when Barack would even clear his throat. Go back and look at the tapes. It’s embarrassing.

“That being said, I wish Paul Ryan would have been half as supportive as Nancy. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes didn’t want to offend anyone by being even remotely overzealous on my behalf. Maybe if he had I wouldn’t still be asking for my wall.

“Speaking of which, the wall was one of my biggest campaign promises. I knew it was over-the-top and that Mexico would never pay for it, but it became a rallying cry for my base. I have to deliver on it at some level or I’ll be a one-term president. Nancy, would you please sit down and stop applauding?

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“And believe me when I tell you that most campaign promises are nothing more than hot air designed to separate the American people from their money and their votes. But there are some promises that stick with people, and you have to deliver them. For me, it’s the wall. For my predecessor, it was health care reform.

“We don’t always deliver exactly what we promise, but I need some kind of wall. It’s not like Obamacare put $2,500 in every American’s pocket or allowed you to keep your plan or your doctor as promised, but at least it was something. Besides, you all supported a wall or fence of some kind before I took office.

“You have to admit, some things have gotten better since I took office. The economy is doing much better, unemployment is way down: North Korea isn’t testing missiles every other day, and the JV team in Syria isn’t beheading people on TV. Then again, I’m not sure our climate is improving or that I’m setting the best example for our kids. Things have been a little ‘stormy’ at times.

“The bottom line is that none of us are perfect.

“I’m not asking for a Nobel Peace Prize. I just want to be treated fairly.  So, here’s the deal… and no one negotiates deals better than me.  That, I can tell you!

“I’ll stop making things up to distract the public if you will, too.  I’ll stop denying things I’ve said if you’ll stop pretending you didn’t support my positions before I beat Hillary… and I beat her easily… maybe the easiest victory in history. I’ll even stop badgering the press if they’ll stop badgering me. It’s called quid pro quo. You can read about it in my great book, ‘The Art of the Deal.’

“Speaking of books, for those of you who keep bringing up emoluments… the State Department authorized the purchase of $70,000 worth of my predecessor’s book, ‘Dreams From My Father,’ in 2011.  Crooked Hillary was secretary of state at the time. Of course, her staff got immunity deals and the opportunity to destroy cell phones and computers while I got Bob Mueller and my corrupt buddies got prosecuted. There’s just no justice.”

[The president looks to an aide and asks, “How am I doing?” The aide responds that the SOTU’s ratings are climbing. The president nods his head and looks into the camera with a broad smile.]

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“I think we’re done here!

“Thank you, and God bless America.”

[Notification is given to the networks to cue up the Democrat’s negative response, which was prepared well in advance of the President’s address.]

Photo Credit: Michael Candelori / shutterstock.com

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