Democrats and Republicans Are Like...
Democrats and Republicans are like Pepsi and Coke. They are slightly different flavors of the same thing– a carbonated cola beverage.
Just like Pepsi and Coke, Democrats and Republicans are so similar that they have to spend millions of dollars every year to convince you that they're actually different and to choose one over the other.
So similar are Coke and Pepsi that even blind taste tests between the two haven't been able to settle which is better than the other, as different methodologies will yield different results.
In just the same way, the actual policies of the two parties are so similar that even if you didn't know which party was responsible for it, you couldn't tell the difference (Obama deported more immigrants than any president in U.S. history, and Bush presided over an unprecedented expansion of entitlement spending.)
And even though they're essentially the same thing, brand loyalists will swear by their brand and steadfastly refuse to give the other a chance. But in the end both Pepsi and Coke just help you feel good for a moment even though they are ultimately bad for you.
Just like the Democrats and Republicans.
Democrats and Republicans are like the ruling Communist Party in China, and the United States is really a one-party government.
Sure they're always struggling for power, and it flips back and forth between them every four to eight years, just like in China.
In China's one party government there are also constant internal struggles between warring factions within the Communist Party.
And the levers of power in China's government are also constantly flipping back and forth between factions after so many years.
But in the end no one outside the Communist Party is ever allowed to challenge its dominance over the People's Republic of China.
Just like in America, where the political monopoly, disguised as it is in the thin costume of duopoly, will suffer no outside challenges.
Democrats and Republicans are like professional wrestling. The fights, the trash talking, the body slams– are all for show.
When the cameras and lights are on, each side fights to keep you entertained, and give you a pleasant diversion.
But everybody's actually just reading their lines from a predetermined script optimized to keep you watching.
And behind the scenes when the cameras are off, all the fighters are high-fiving and laughing together, friends.
Just like professional wrestling, Democrats and Republicans are a lucrative entertainment business that keeps you watching for the ad revenue to their corporate sponsors.
But unlike professional wrestling, a lot of people still haven't figured out that the TV fighting is all for show. And they emulate what they see on TV, trading real blows and fighting words.
Democrats and Republicans are like a quarrelsome couple who fight constantly, and never let the other get a word in edgewise.
Just like the quarrelsome couple, they don't listen to what the other is saying, nor try to understand where they're coming from.
Neither side is willing to admit that they've ever done anything wrong. They speak in unfair absolutes about the other one.
"You always...! Why don't you ever...!?"
They talk over each other and interrupt each other constantly. They twist everything the other one says in order to "win" the fight.
The other one returns the favor. They both throw up their hands in desperation and yell: "Why can't you hear what I'm saying!?"
Just like these kinds of fights between lovers, no good can come from this perverse form of dialogue. It's not a conversation.