The Importance of Today’s Election: From a Cynic

Today, California’s voters will go to the polls to make very important decisions that will affect the lives of all their neighbors. Let’s take a look at the presidential race:

Never have we Americans had such a distinction in color and age and sex to choose from.

Could you imagine 200 years ago that we would have the option to either keep spending nearly a trillion dollars a year maintaining troops in 140 countries around the world, or bringing them home from Iraq so we would only have them in 139?

Oh man, I bet 200 years ago, no one would have ever thought that if we ever allowed the government to take nearly 50% of our paycheck through one form of taxes or another, we could decide which class of people should get some of it back.

We also have the unique opportunity to vote for a man that really understands economics. This one is a win-win. Obama understands that deregulation caused our problems; had the government just regulated the banks more after it encouraged them to make loans to unqualified debtors, the housing market would have been fine. McCain understands that you can’t promote a free market system without catching the big boys when they fall.

Even further, Americans have the opportunity to vote for a candidate that will solve all their problems. Whether it’s the old white fart or the young black stud, no longer do Americans have to crumble from the burden of self-reliance and responsibility. No longer do we have the moral responsibility to take care of our neighbors directly, for we can do it through an impersonal government institution. No longer will we have to worry about our neighbor getting ahead, for we can sit on the couch and let him get taxed to death while he tries.

Both candidates have a plan to solve our problems. So don’t worry. Stop trying to figure out how to live within your means. Stop working so hard to pay your bills. Stop worrying. Go buy some cool stuff on your credit card. Quit your job and stop paying the mortgage. When you can’t pay your credit cards and/or housing payments, Uncle Sam will be there to make sure you and your lender don’t suffer the consequences poor decision making. Don’t feel bad. It’ll just mean a little higher taxes to bail us out of the next bubble, maybe a little less freedom, and likely a little more government control of our lives. But, that is a small price to pay to protect the American tradition of security first.

With this kind of prospect for hope, no matter who wins, I think American can officially say that it really doesn’t matter if the president is black or white.