Read Time: 9 - 15 minutes
For those of you not in the know, the always-funny multi-talented Dan Fogler is ‘running’ for president. You might recognize him from the movie Balls of Fury. You may be familiar with his running mate, Chewbacca, from the Star Wars films. Mr. Fogler recently took time out of his nonexistent campaign schedule to answer some hard hitting political questions from IVN Contributor Craig Schlesinger. Warning: Wookie politics aren’t for the faint of heart.
Craig Schlesinger: What made you decide to run for President?
Dan Fogler: Honestly? I needed more Twitter followers. Numbers were pitiful. They’re still pitiful for someone of my “status.” But then my baby girl was born in July and shit got real serious for me. I thought, “She’s just been born into a world on the brink of utter chaos. I could do as good a job as anyone else, and I’d be thinking out side of the box.” It’s time for REAL change. Look at my record. I’m waaaay out of the box. And when the shit hits the fan you will want me and my baby and my baby momma all snuggled up inside that white house, which when I’m elected will be painted green by the way. Because green is an inviting color. I want houseguests. I am your public servant, hero to the people, SuperDan. You heard of Eckhart Tolle? Gandhi? Hunter S. Thompson? Don Peyote? These are my heroes… I ain’t interested in wagging the dog, I’m interested in solving problems. THC cures cancer & Tesla free unlimited energy technology can draw power from the natural electrical grid of the earth. Bam! Good-bye black outs, hello evolution!
Craig Schlesinger: Talk about your running mate and why you chose him? Do you foresee any constitutional / citizenship issues with having a Wookie as your VP? Is Chewie an illegal alien?
Dan Fogler: Look I’ve been getting a lot of shit for taking a Wookie on as my running mate. Some of the comments have been offensive and borderline racist, being somebody who has been mistaken many times for a werewolf most of my life. I understood Chewie in a way that made us even closer than the relationship he had with the smooth-chested Han Solo. Plus I’ve seen him take several gunshots and not go down. And he’ll rip yer freakin arms off. Are you gonna tell me that my other opponents wouldn’t pick Chewbacca over their current running mate? Gimme a break brother! Chewbacca is a bad ass. Wouldn’t trade him for anything. Well maybe Han Solo. Don’t tell him I said that though. Chewie is a citizen of Earth via imagination.
Craig Schlesinger: Why should people vote for you?
Dan Fogler: I’m really trying to save the world and create unconditional peace throughout the solar system – so brothers and sisters of this world can rise up and take their rightful place in this galaxy and beyond. (That’s why a Wookie comes in handy.)
Craig Schlesinger: Anything you want to add about the two-party duopoly?
Dan Fogler: It’s all political theatre. It’s a dance. Not a real fight. It’s as rigged as pro-wrestling to keep our minds off the chaos– both parties funded by the same guy to put on a good show whether they know it or not. They are chess pieces. I’m playing checkers. Now king me. Republican or Democrat, it doesn’t matter, they answer to the almighty dollar EVERY TIME. I’m running on a platform of truth and peace. And Chewie is really good with kids. What do you want me to say? You should sit down and have a bear with the guy. The bear is delicious by the way, the way he cooks it. I asked him last week, I said, “Chewie, you sure you wanna go through with this if I actually get elected?” He snarled his classic snarl and howled, “I was co-pilot on the Millennium Falcon. How hard could helping run the free world be?”
Craig Schlesinger: Which federal departments would you, as president, eliminate? Bolster? Add?
Dan Fogler: I’m talking about a whole overhaul, bubbahlah. This town needs a colonoscopy! The system is rotting from the inside! As dead as the old white dudes that wrote the rules. Yes many of those rules should stay in place. But you must admit we are literally drowning in bureaucracy. A system that makes FEMA balk when they’re needed the most, for example – a system that fails us over and over again. I would invest in a new unlimited energy source for the whole world for free – so every child can read by a light to further they’re education to better the human race. Guess what? That source already exists. And oil companies don’t want you to know about it. That’s an example of how we’ve let the dollar lead us astray. We’d be making so much more of “everything” if everyone had a shot. But we think in terms of my, mine, ours, us. And the future gets blurry. And we just focus on what’s in the box. We need a new fuckin’ box man.
Craig Schlesinger: Where do you stand on civil liberties?
Dan Fogler: I travel by air frequently, often by plane. I am a conspiracy theorist and I worry about those “full body scanners” and have boycotted since day one. So I basically get a freakin’ pat down 80% of the time I fly. Am I a criminal? You know the worst you’re gonna find is a forgotten ganja roach. I once had a guard say, “Hey you’re the Balls of Fury guy aren’t you?” while checking my inseam. That’s not cool. Neither is profiling of any kind. So what do we do, we live in a scary world. When I’m elected I will make a new rule for the TSA:
If one refuses the body scan they should be able to give a valid reason why like: “I don’t want brain cancer.” Then they should be allowed to go through a metal detector at the expense of their own time. If said person is someone who is in your favorite TV show or movie, odds are that person isn’t trying to hurt anybody. And their frustration comes from that. Can you tell I’ve been frisked a lot for no reason? It sucks. The powers that be have sold our collective souls down a big brother river. There are so many skeletons in our collective closets we’re operating in a graveyard. It’s time for a fresh perspective. When we begin to trust ourselves again then we can reach out to our brother and sister nations, and we can all watch each other’s backs while we all prosper.
Craig Schlesinger: What would American foreign policy look like in a Fogler administration?
Dan Fogler: Do you like coffee, tea? Coffee cake? Ice cream? Good conversation with smart people? So does the rest of the world brother. Everyone is guilty of something. Boohoo. Clean slate. Let’s paint on a new pallet. Work together as brothers and sisters – rewrite history. Evolve. It’s time to work together as one and when we do that, then we will become more powerful than we’ve ever imagined. We need to empower every citizen. But how do you get them to forget past behavior? Giant EMP amnesia MEN IN BLACK style flashy thing the whole world via satellite? Then people would turn to their enemies and just see people. Hmmm let me get back to you on this.
Craig Schlesinger: Does the federal government have a role in managing the economy? If so, what?
Dan Fogler: It is our job to regulate Wall Street. It is our job to pay back our debt and create jobs inside our country. We are obligated to seek out new methods of job growth and apologize to future generations for our selfish behavior.
Craig Schlesinger: Do you have a plan to balance the budget and tackle the debt?
Dan Fogler: We need to corner the market on free energy, wean ourselves off of foreign fossil fuels, exploit oil reserves at home in non populated areas, and take a page from George Washington’s THC text book – weed, hemp, pot oil all adds up to a “wonder drug” we can turn the economy around by investing in weed technology – medicinal, clothing, shelter, food, FUEL! You need to think forward to move forward!
Craig Schlesinger: Any plans to deal with the student debt crisis and education policy?
Dan Fogler: Education should be free. Period. If one seeks a higher learning outside of the facilities offered than they should find specialized freelance tutors for further education. And become an apprentice, which immediately translates into work. All student debt will be erased going back 20 years. Those graduates will be given jobs where a tiny portion of their wage will be taxed and sent back to their alma-matter.
Craig Schlesinger: Where do you stand on the drug war and prohibition vs. legalization?
Dan Fogler: Legalize it! There’s more profit in weed than you could imagine. Good folks like Chris Hill of The Smokers’ Survival Kit will support me on this issue. [Chris Hill is, ironically, a campaign advisor to one of Fogler’s ‘opponents’ this election cycle, libertarian candidate Gov. Gary Johnson.]
Craig Schlesinger: What is your position on gay marriage? Wookie marriage? Ewok marriage?
Dan Fogler: Some of my best friends are gay Ewoks. I’d never marry a Wookie but to each their own – pursuit of happiness and all that jazz, as long as they don’t hurt anybody. That’s another billion-dollar industry. We just single handedly tripled the potential marrying population.
Craig Schlesinger: What do you and Chewie think of Luke and Leah kissing in Empire Strikes Back?
Dan Fogler: They didn’t know they were related, but Chewie can’t tell the story without gagging.
Craig Schlesinger: Where do you stand on abortion?
Dan Fogler: I heard my kid’s 6-week-old heartbeat, and I still think it’s the mother’s choice. It’s her body her rules as long as it’s still living under her roof.
Craig Schlesinger: Do you have any environmental and/or energy policy?
Global warming is real. It’s part of the peristaltic ebb and flow of the universe and the energy cycle of our sun. We need to embrace this fact and brace ourselves for a rough ride for a few years. But if we focus on the facts we may find a way to capitalize on the abundance of solar energy we are now being bombarded with and convert it into dollars that make sense.
Craig Schlesinger: What about immigration? Should we build a fence across the border?
Dan Fogler: Yes we should build a fence that resembles the entrance into Disney World. For full price you get the whole family fun pack and instant citizenship. If u can’t pay the toll we give you a job to pay off your debt to society. Win win.
Craig Schlesinger: Healthcare?
Dan Fogler: My father is a doctor. I saw what Medicare did to his pay check. I believe you should pay by class. If u are in a lower tax bracket u shouldn’t have to pay the same for heart surgery that a millionaire does.
Craig Schlesinger: Do you have a final message to voters?
Dan Fogler: Vote Fogler! I actually want to make the world a better place. I don’t care about pleasing companies. I’ll speak the truth even if it’s uncomfortable, because that’s what the people want to hear.
Craig Schlesinger: Can you introduce me to Aubrey Plaza? I know that’s kind of irrelevant, but still…
Dan Fogler: Yes, yes I can.
Craig Schlesinger: I won’t hold my breath, but I’ll be waiting nonetheless. If there’s anything else you want to address, feel free!
Dan Fogler: I’ve been to the future. I know I’ve won already. And so do you. Time is irrelevant. The future is now. Fogler is NOW!
Follow your heart America
This message has been approved by Dan Fogler, future ex President Esq. Jr M.D. D.D.S