Revised Republican National Convention Schedule: Awkward!
By W. E. Messamore on 08/27/2012 in 2012, gop, humor, mitt romney, parties, partisanship, Republican National Convention, republican party, RNC with 6 CommentsRead Time: 2 - 4 minutes
Photo: CNN
The Wall Street Journal has the revised Republican National Convention schedule up on its website. Before reading further, click that link and do a quick thirty second scroll down the page to get a feel for who all is speaking at the convention this week.
Alright, did you do it? Did you skim it? Okay… read on:
THIS is what I love about party conventions. What an awkward group of speakers! What makes it more awkward is how hard they will all be trying to convince you that this isn’t awkward.
The unintentional humor value of big tent party conventions like this cannot be overstated. I just love watching a big group of people who were at each other’s throats not very many weeks ago saying nice things about each other that they don’t really mean.
It’s like watching every reality TV dating show there is in reverse– they start out saying nice things about each other that they don’t really mean, and then end up at each other’s throats.
The only thing that could make this convention more awkward…
…is if Ron Paul were in the lineup too.
Wait– scratch that. What would make this even more awkward than Ron Paul in the lineup… would be George W. Bush in the lineup. That would make this so horrifyingly awkward to watch, I think it would be less horrifying for the hurricane to blow right into the convention center and knock off Mitt Romney’s hair, revealing that it is in fact a toupée.
Think Meet the Parents was awkward? Yawn. Or that movie where Sarah Jessica Parker visits her boyfriend’s family for Christmas and gets all homophobic at the dinner table right in front of her boyfriend’s gay brother? Kid stuff.
This convention is already more awkward than watching both of those movies with your grandparents and trying not to make eye contact while Ben Stiller pantomimes milking a cat.
Now add George Dubya Bush to this lineup, the one man who you wouldn’t even know was president four years ago by listening to any of the Republican Primary debates, and this would reach awkwardness levels of such massive proportions, the RNC would get slapped with a massive EPA fine for physically manifesting enough awkwardness to blast a hole in the ozone layer.
Ladies and Gentleman, I have discovered the source of power behind the two-party establishments.
They just make for damn good television.
And now your moment of Zen:
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6 Comments
Chad Peace
08.27.2012
@Chad_Peace
How I would love to see a Bush speech at the convention. Honestly, 6 months ago I would have said you were crazy. But, since the campaign has unfolded, I can’t imagine the rather funny (whether you like him or hate him, you gotta admit he’s a more likable and funny guy than Romney) Bush wouldn’t give some needed levity to the GOP.
W. E. Messamore
08.27.2012
@W__E__Messamore
Actually Chad, you’ve got a great point. I was thinking of Bush at the convention as being politically awkward because the GOP’s uniform silence about his presidency this cycle is a tacit and teling admission of a number of things, but now you’ve got me wondering if the comic relief he would provide would perfectly dissipate all that awkwardness.
The only thing that could make this more awkward would be a Ron Paul speaking slot, and the only thing that could ease the tension with some comic relief would be a Dubya speaking slot.
Imagine he walks onto the stage. The crowd is cheering “Four more years! Four more years!” in a clip that makes perfect fodder for the writers at the Colbert Report.
The former president saunters up to the microphone, gives a little wave, and blurts out in that all-too-familiar, parodied-to-death Texas accent, timbre, and intonation: “Miss me yet?” and gives a little Jon Stewart-style “heh heh heh,” parodying a parody of himself.
You’re right. This bit came out all wrong. It’ll be revised for my Comedy Central special…
Chad Peace
08.27.2012
@Chad_Peace
Haha!
W. E. Messamore
08.28.2012
@W__E__Messamore
Hey– we could get our wish:
http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2012/08/27/who-is-thursdays-mystery-convention-speaker/
bob jackson
08.27.2012
@bobj72
ROMNEY gets no pass here. So both him and Ann were born and raised in Michigan. But if you don’t see “No One’s a”2012sked me for my Birth Certificate,” as a CLEAR Racist “Dog Whistle,” you’re deaf and blind.
So, how are the “Fright-WingNUT’s” enjoying the “2012 ‘Romney-Hood’ RACIST Presidential Campaign?” …….
Michael Higham
08.28.2012
@michaelhigham
I see they have a Ron Paul commemoration video, I think that’s awkward enough. Unless it’s just a video about his accomplishments rather than his message, then I’m sure they can keep the awkwardness under control. But it does feel weird that they would deny him a speaking slot, then dedicate a video to him while his supporters are stirring things up at the convention. Fun stuff!